Cubby Holes

The seasons of life are never totally good or totally challenging. We always (if we watch carefully) find an odd mix continually present. In the most difficult times there are provisions and comfort and care threaded through. In the glorious times, the imperfections of life are still present. And so we live in the tension of life.

I like definition. I like things categorized so I can pull them out of their little cubby and deal with them--all neat and tidy and one at a time. I don't have to tell you that my days rarely unfold so methodically; I'm pretty sure yours don't either.

I would have loved for a job to have opened by now for John--after a little difficulty that piece of life to slide neatly into place so we could get on with "life." That isn't what is happening. Like I suspected as we began this chapter, God is allowing us to be stretched, to learn to trust, to lean in when we can't see what is around the corner or farther out on the branch.

In the midst of all that, other aspects of our life have been stirred out of their settled places as well. We are facing saying goodbye to some of our dearest friends soon as they leave the area and pursue other things that God has planted in them. We are looking at other schools for the kids next year, facing the likelihood that there will not be a way to have them finish where they have spent their academic life. These changes are not the ones I would like to have before me. They hit me hard, even though I know that God is allows the transitions and will be with us in the days ahead in a different landscape.

And, we have seen His hand moving to provide.

John and I got to go on a little jaunt--it had been ages since we'd been away. The kids had pulled together a gift for him for his birthday and we headed to the east coast for a couple of days that were a tremendous blessing--a break in the routine and a chance to talk at length. He had been given a book just before we left. Larry Crabb's "66 Love Letters" which proved to remind us that God dares to do in us the work toward His ultimate goal--that our hearts would know Him and trust Him and isn't nearly as concerned as we are that it takes longer than we would like.

We investigated the possibility of purchasing a piece of equipment for a small business venture. Through the prayers and generosity of several dozen people, we are going to be able to move forward. I am surprised and blessed by what transpired. (The word "transpired" literally means the giving off or sharing of breath.) We feel His "ok" and presence with us through what you have done. Thank you. This isn't going to cover our financial needs, but will be a piece that will enable us to cover some expenses.

There have been many little gestures these last few weeks as well, things that have helped us and remind us that God is with us, sees the needs, is at work to care for us and guide us forward.

The simple gift of a salad, a pizza, a pack of buns, and milk.
An inquiry in the halls at school or in the sanctuary at church--"How are things going?" or "How are you?" We know you haven't forgotten that the struggle continues.
A check in the mail that will enable us to get one of the kids something they needed.
Some practical items passed along that we can certainly use.
The opportunity for a second part time job that will help bring in a few more dollars.
The beginning of a venture with my sister (who has done all the background work) for us to pursue a specialty cookie business using our well-honed cookie decorating skills of 28 years.
A fabulous dinner prepared by my mom yesterday (she's turning 84 on Saturday!) to give me a night off and to feed us all. Yes, I ate too much, but it was my mom's cooking, after all. Most of you can imagine how yummy that was!
Coupons and calls about possible job leads and a chance to do multiple small things that add up to be getting us through somehow.
Cookies and eggs and other goodies that are a treat!
The invitation to breakfast with a dear lady.

We are grateful for the promises of God, for the provision He brings in many ways and through many people, to care for us and to remind us that He is with us. Always.

The Fire

Sometimes the provision isn't the kind you expect. (YES, we have had a couple of surprises this week that have helped us with the pressing bills, and NO, there is still not adequate job in sight.)

I am feeling the fire. A couple of weeks ago I came across a website that had some funny (ok, I realize they are rather bizarre) things written on it. But they made me laugh. A lot. And I realized that the laughter was helping me keep at the hard stuff. This morning I posted this on my facebook status line (after an admittedly weird one liner)...

FYI...I haven't lost my mind. Simultaneous to these crazy posts is some of the deepest work in my life. I am choosing to not run from the fire, and my journal is rapidly filling up. I am learning core things about what discipleship means where the rubber meets the road--endurance, obedience and trust. Right at the moments where I am threatened with being consumed in the heat, leaning in a little more is revealing His presence. I am finding that those are crucial opportunities that I've probably often missed when I've tried to escape what seemed too painful. I wonder if I can bear it. He reminds me that He already has.

And the laughter has been good medicine.

The fire is still raging. Prayer appreciated.

Swiss Cheese

These days are trying me and I feel like I don't have my bearings.

I am discovering that I am a person who loves (even more than I realized) to know what is the right thing to do. Then I can attempt to do it. The map of life these days is not offering me much help. It looks to me more like one of those giant chunks of Swiss cheese where, if they were taking bets, you'd swear that the space of the holes seems greater than the area of cheese. I wonder if I am just focusing on the wrong thing.

I feel dizzy. And I don't know what is the next step or the right direction. What do I do? How do I walk through this?

But here it is on a Monday morning of a new week and I have to get up and prepare to dive in. Really I would rather stop the roller coaster and head off somewhere to let my mind clear and my spirit refresh. But that is not the schedule of the week.

In any case, I can see some fibers of support and care in this ragged time. For these I am grateful. They are like threads sent my way in the actions of some dear folks, that seem to be connected to a larger stronger tapestry. I sense this part of my story has a significance I cannot yet see. I hate not seeing. Watching, observing, seeing how the dots of life are connected--yeah, that's pretty much what I do. So it is frustrating when the scene looks like a dumped jigsaw puzzle.

Still, I am grateful for the pieces that have carried with them a message of hope this last week and a half...

A couple of phone calls and emails with information of a place they heard was hiring.

Two separate deliveries of gourmet muffins and cookies, and several dozen brown eggs.
Some money given to help us buy groceries this week.
An opportunity to earn a little extra money on a one-day project.
Card and booklet sales brought in a few more dollars.
The delivery of a sack of potatoes--meal stretchers!
The gift of a container of cheesy potato soup.
Some food that was offered to us after a party we helped with.
An invitation to dinner at a neighbor's home one night last week.
A pan of lasagna and a bag of garlic bread.
A pizza.

Then there were a few gifts that fell into another category. They were ones that didn't fill the stomach, but refreshed the heart...

A gift from a friend that held a special message of hope and encouragement.

Witnessing almost 90 kids in a time of worship who were open and responsive and committing to really do this "following Jesus" thing.
Seeing the heart and generosity of a woman with little resources but an abundance of love.

A call from a dear friend who asked how things were going and really wants to know.
A hug from another long-time friend that was just a bit longer than the norm, sending me the message loud and clear that her heart is with me.

The find of a book that is just what I needed--a lovely dose of refreshment and creativity.

Many people who have told us we are in their prayers, and a few who have let us know what they have sensed as they prayed for us.

I am aware that the gifts of God and His provision come in many ways and through many people. I am thankful for those who are persevering with us in so many different ways. You cannot shorten the journey, but you have offered us some of what we need along the way.

Please continue to pray for these things--employment for John, the decisions ahead regarding school for the kids next year, wisdom for me regarding my time and a second job/summer employment, wisdom to prioritize rightly with our current resources, for our relationships--things are just more difficult when a major piece of life is out of kilter.

Finally, please pray that our hearts and minds will be sharpened to know and remember what is true.

Storm Clouds

As with the beginning of any new journey, even some of the tough ones, I suspected there was a honeymoon stage of this situation. I remember even mentioning it to my next door neighbor Eunice.

During those initial days I feel the invigoration of a new challenge and something stirred at the thought of a victory down the road. It is hope welling up. It is that adrenaline of a summit to be climbed. That glimpse (from down on the road you've arrived on) of the peak of the hill, blue sky framing it, sunlight streaming on it cause you to forget the effort that this trek will require.

The journey starts. It is even somewhat pleasant at first--almost like a vacation in its newness. I was breathing fresh cold morning air. An awakening occurred. I forgot (or denied) the reality ahead when bumps and falls and rain and wind would occur. I would get tired of the continual upward effort, the things that would challenge mind, body, and spirit.

Today I sit on a ledge, not sure how far up this mountain I am. I am so close to the grit of the rocky path that I cannot see how much land I've covered or how much elevation is ahead before I will reach that peak and stand on the top.

This week has been tough. There is dirt under my physical and emotional fingernails as I have dug fiercely into the days. My face is smudged. My jeans are torn. I am tired and thirsty. I don't like this mountain that seemed a friendly challenge just eight weeks ago. I would like to get off. But I don't have that option. I must figure out how to keep at it. These are the transitional days. These are the ones that will make or break me. These are the ones that will reveal what I am really made of, and how well I do at receiving the strength that is offered to me via grace as I go on. These days push me farther than I would prefer. I would like to only go so far as I know I can succeed. This territory tests me.

There have been a few sunny moments this week. A friend arrived with a bag of food from her garden last summer. Several kind words, inquiring phone calls about how the job search is going, and the friends who seem to surface at just the right time (or is it that it SEEMS like the right time because it is that particular person who has come?) I got an email that included a hymn that reminded me that "all is well" and a link to a video that had some amazing creativity.

Mostly, however, it has felt like a rainy week, causing that damp to the bone chill that is hard to recover from. There were some storm clouds rumbling, and lightning strikes that hit a little to close. I am tired. I need to find the rhythm of this climb--pressing on and allowing myself the nourishment and rest I need for a journey whose length I don't know.

I also have been reminded of some whose journey is colder and steeper than my own--a little girl with cancer, a dear woman whose life has had an inordinate amount of hardship and whose son may be in his last days, a young man battling cancer, a young gal with medical questions that need untangled, a neighbor who lost her mother this week, and my sister and brother-in-law who lost a dear friend.

So it is ok that I am in a different stage of my path and having to learn to walk new territory. We all have to figure those things out along the way. God is not tired or less present than at the start. His promises are not weaker. His resources not depleted. His help is not absent. He never changes. It is me that is in transition. And I can become something better during this time.

I will also be kind to myself as I keep at this, doing what I can and not beating myself up for what is beyond my control.

Maybe a "second wind" is around the corner.

Amazing People

I had noticed that over these weeks since John's lay off we have received cash gifts from five different people that were of a certain (not exactly a round number) amount. One night this week it occurred to me that it is the exact amount of money that I tithe weekly.

Also this week we were given back the balance of some money we had given my cousin in the hopes of buying one of the computers her office was getting rid of when they bought new systems. The purchase hadn't worked out which was too bad, since it would have been a good deal and replaced our home computer that finally died. Oh well....

Some of the most significant blessings this week have been people--a sweet message from a friend, an email this morning from someone far away asking how we were getting along, a friend who suggested a blog that was wonderfully written, an hour chat with a person I rarely see but who holds a special place in my heart. Each of these gestures has reminded me how blessed I have been by the presence of good folks. It is remarkable how many amazing people God has let me cross paths with along the way. My life has been shaped by each of you.

In addition...

Two very kind someones sent us a card with a check enclosed.

We received two dozen eggs from a lovely lady.

I got an order for a colorized copy of my booklet and an order for a special card for a little girl fighting cancer.

Someone anonymously paid the fee so that Cade could play on the indoor soccer team he was hoping to join. I didn't see how we could swing the registration or the gas money to get him to the facility. I am especially grateful to God for this provision and for understanding folks who have considered our kids in this season. You bless a momma's heart!

Don't Stop Believin'!

We wait and wait and wait to see a change occur. We walk forward with hours ticking away, days passing, monthly calendars being turned page by page, repeated new years chiming in without any evidence of something different.

How many American Christians have lost hope too soon, weaned as we are on an instant consumer society and raised in a “do what feels good” culture? Is it like this in the rest of the world, or is it a current pulse (no pun intended) of the planet that is now full of waves sending messages of all kinds scooting across the atmosphere non-stop and at blazing speed?

Some of the most amazing stories we have in scripture include main characters who have waited. Some even had to face the fact that God was too late for them—or so it seemed.

Captive Israelites in Egypt for four hundred years
A woman who had bled for 12 years
A man who sat by the pool of Bethsaida for 38 years trying to be the first into the water
A man whose daughter had died because Jesus was busy with another healing. (Who can explain that one?)
Or maybe the toughest one of all—that God himself had actually died, three days now in Joseph’s borrowed tomb.

During the times of waiting we seem particularly vulnerable to the voice of the enemy who seductively (and patiently, I might add) chips away at our hope. He is not in a rush to erode our trust in the God who is most powerful, ever loving, always for our best. We begin to let our hearts and minds drift away from the possibility that a prayer might be answered, a body healed, a mind restored to some kind of sanity, a new life begun.

But what might happen if we press on? What is possible if we hold on to the hope that God is working somewhere we cannot yet see?

Of course we know that sometimes God doesn’t fix our particular issue (like Paul’s thorn) and so we wrestle with the options and how to respond. I suspect that many times we chuck in the towel before He was quite done. We shift our attention to dealing with the problem another way or accepting what now seems inevitable, we alter our course and begin to embrace a different journey, lenses now adjusted to a different "truth."

I am acknowledging the fact that sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we hope He will. But I cannot give up the promise that He will never leave us or forsake us; He will continue always to work for our best. That is who He is. I must not give up hope that God is at work, in me, in those I love, in the situations of my life. He sees the bigger picture. He knows the many layers. He has a plan that He is unfolding.

Today I again challenge myself to believe. Believe that He wants life for us to the fullest according to His priorities. Remember the whole of His mission in His words: He has chosen me to preach the Message of good news to the poor, sent me to announce pardon to prisoners and recovery of sight to the blind, to set the burdened and battered free, to announce, “This is God’s year to act!”

Those words are still His mission for us, for this very day.

Don’t stop believin’!

Blue Envelope and a Pasta Salad

Yesterday was remarkable.

We have had some stuck places in communication, and some less than stellar ways of dealing with our tensions. In the events of the last week there were some tough conversations (that were actually God's plow at work on our behalf) and the ones that unfolded afterward have begun to clear some obstacles from our path and start us toward a healthier way of living life together.

I am encouraged that even long-standing matters can change. Transformation is possible. We can become healed even after years and years of brokenness or dysfunction.

And on the heels of John and me pressing on to break through a wall, the mail arrived.

In the mix of the regular flyers and bills was a blue envelope. I recognized the handwriting immediately. It was from a high school friend with whom I reconnected at last summer's reunion. Recently I sent her a facebook message telling her I had been thinking back to our conversation from that August evening and asking how things were going in the situation she had shared. We ended up catching up with each other--their new house, our situation with John's lay off. I thought the card would be a "thinking of you" one. It was. But there was a surprise to be found.

This old friend had been lead to enclose a gift for us. I am deeply touched that she and her husband did such a thing. The timing seemed to be a kind of thumbs up for what John and I had just pressed on in--listening well to each other, choosing to love, and doing the right thing for our kids.

A while later I got a call from another dear friend. While John and I had been holed up talking in the back part of the house, she had come by and dropped off a delicious pasta salad that she had placed in our fridge.

In many ways the feast does come. God takes care of His kids, and blesses us when we are trying to walk well. It doesn't eliminate all the challenges of life, but He nudges us on, He loves when we trust Him through the hard stuff and try to live well. He encourages us when we lean in to do the best we know, even when we realize we won't get it all fixed immediately. He cheers us on. He helps us.

He really does.

John is still on the job hunt. Please continue to pray for the right door to open. Would you pray that it will (in spite of what the economy would indicate as possible/likely) be a really good fit for him, a delight to his heart, a place for his gifts to flow, and adequate for our financial needs?