The Fire

Sometimes the provision isn't the kind you expect. (YES, we have had a couple of surprises this week that have helped us with the pressing bills, and NO, there is still not adequate job in sight.)

I am feeling the fire. A couple of weeks ago I came across a website that had some funny (ok, I realize they are rather bizarre) things written on it. But they made me laugh. A lot. And I realized that the laughter was helping me keep at the hard stuff. This morning I posted this on my facebook status line (after an admittedly weird one liner)...

FYI...I haven't lost my mind. Simultaneous to these crazy posts is some of the deepest work in my life. I am choosing to not run from the fire, and my journal is rapidly filling up. I am learning core things about what discipleship means where the rubber meets the road--endurance, obedience and trust. Right at the moments where I am threatened with being consumed in the heat, leaning in a little more is revealing His presence. I am finding that those are crucial opportunities that I've probably often missed when I've tried to escape what seemed too painful. I wonder if I can bear it. He reminds me that He already has.

And the laughter has been good medicine.

The fire is still raging. Prayer appreciated.

Swiss Cheese

These days are trying me and I feel like I don't have my bearings.

I am discovering that I am a person who loves (even more than I realized) to know what is the right thing to do. Then I can attempt to do it. The map of life these days is not offering me much help. It looks to me more like one of those giant chunks of Swiss cheese where, if they were taking bets, you'd swear that the space of the holes seems greater than the area of cheese. I wonder if I am just focusing on the wrong thing.

I feel dizzy. And I don't know what is the next step or the right direction. What do I do? How do I walk through this?

But here it is on a Monday morning of a new week and I have to get up and prepare to dive in. Really I would rather stop the roller coaster and head off somewhere to let my mind clear and my spirit refresh. But that is not the schedule of the week.

In any case, I can see some fibers of support and care in this ragged time. For these I am grateful. They are like threads sent my way in the actions of some dear folks, that seem to be connected to a larger stronger tapestry. I sense this part of my story has a significance I cannot yet see. I hate not seeing. Watching, observing, seeing how the dots of life are connected--yeah, that's pretty much what I do. So it is frustrating when the scene looks like a dumped jigsaw puzzle.

Still, I am grateful for the pieces that have carried with them a message of hope this last week and a half...

A couple of phone calls and emails with information of a place they heard was hiring.

Two separate deliveries of gourmet muffins and cookies, and several dozen brown eggs.
Some money given to help us buy groceries this week.
An opportunity to earn a little extra money on a one-day project.
Card and booklet sales brought in a few more dollars.
The delivery of a sack of potatoes--meal stretchers!
The gift of a container of cheesy potato soup.
Some food that was offered to us after a party we helped with.
An invitation to dinner at a neighbor's home one night last week.
A pan of lasagna and a bag of garlic bread.
A pizza.

Then there were a few gifts that fell into another category. They were ones that didn't fill the stomach, but refreshed the heart...

A gift from a friend that held a special message of hope and encouragement.

Witnessing almost 90 kids in a time of worship who were open and responsive and committing to really do this "following Jesus" thing.
Seeing the heart and generosity of a woman with little resources but an abundance of love.

A call from a dear friend who asked how things were going and really wants to know.
A hug from another long-time friend that was just a bit longer than the norm, sending me the message loud and clear that her heart is with me.

The find of a book that is just what I needed--a lovely dose of refreshment and creativity.

Many people who have told us we are in their prayers, and a few who have let us know what they have sensed as they prayed for us.

I am aware that the gifts of God and His provision come in many ways and through many people. I am thankful for those who are persevering with us in so many different ways. You cannot shorten the journey, but you have offered us some of what we need along the way.

Please continue to pray for these things--employment for John, the decisions ahead regarding school for the kids next year, wisdom for me regarding my time and a second job/summer employment, wisdom to prioritize rightly with our current resources, for our relationships--things are just more difficult when a major piece of life is out of kilter.

Finally, please pray that our hearts and minds will be sharpened to know and remember what is true.

Storm Clouds

As with the beginning of any new journey, even some of the tough ones, I suspected there was a honeymoon stage of this situation. I remember even mentioning it to my next door neighbor Eunice.

During those initial days I feel the invigoration of a new challenge and something stirred at the thought of a victory down the road. It is hope welling up. It is that adrenaline of a summit to be climbed. That glimpse (from down on the road you've arrived on) of the peak of the hill, blue sky framing it, sunlight streaming on it cause you to forget the effort that this trek will require.

The journey starts. It is even somewhat pleasant at first--almost like a vacation in its newness. I was breathing fresh cold morning air. An awakening occurred. I forgot (or denied) the reality ahead when bumps and falls and rain and wind would occur. I would get tired of the continual upward effort, the things that would challenge mind, body, and spirit.

Today I sit on a ledge, not sure how far up this mountain I am. I am so close to the grit of the rocky path that I cannot see how much land I've covered or how much elevation is ahead before I will reach that peak and stand on the top.

This week has been tough. There is dirt under my physical and emotional fingernails as I have dug fiercely into the days. My face is smudged. My jeans are torn. I am tired and thirsty. I don't like this mountain that seemed a friendly challenge just eight weeks ago. I would like to get off. But I don't have that option. I must figure out how to keep at it. These are the transitional days. These are the ones that will make or break me. These are the ones that will reveal what I am really made of, and how well I do at receiving the strength that is offered to me via grace as I go on. These days push me farther than I would prefer. I would like to only go so far as I know I can succeed. This territory tests me.

There have been a few sunny moments this week. A friend arrived with a bag of food from her garden last summer. Several kind words, inquiring phone calls about how the job search is going, and the friends who seem to surface at just the right time (or is it that it SEEMS like the right time because it is that particular person who has come?) I got an email that included a hymn that reminded me that "all is well" and a link to a video that had some amazing creativity.

Mostly, however, it has felt like a rainy week, causing that damp to the bone chill that is hard to recover from. There were some storm clouds rumbling, and lightning strikes that hit a little to close. I am tired. I need to find the rhythm of this climb--pressing on and allowing myself the nourishment and rest I need for a journey whose length I don't know.

I also have been reminded of some whose journey is colder and steeper than my own--a little girl with cancer, a dear woman whose life has had an inordinate amount of hardship and whose son may be in his last days, a young man battling cancer, a young gal with medical questions that need untangled, a neighbor who lost her mother this week, and my sister and brother-in-law who lost a dear friend.

So it is ok that I am in a different stage of my path and having to learn to walk new territory. We all have to figure those things out along the way. God is not tired or less present than at the start. His promises are not weaker. His resources not depleted. His help is not absent. He never changes. It is me that is in transition. And I can become something better during this time.

I will also be kind to myself as I keep at this, doing what I can and not beating myself up for what is beyond my control.

Maybe a "second wind" is around the corner.